My Journey - Body

Dear Icarus, Have you seen social media? All the pretty people pictures? There are editing apps galore to achieve those pretty shots if our bodies do not meet the status quo. A little contour here, a little tuck there, spot check the acne, plump the duck lip, filter and bam. Super model. Believe it or not, stigma around the perfect body existed before the internet and computers graced us with their presence. Some may argue even more so then because of all the movements today around everyone being beautiful no matter race, size, shape etc. True beauty glows from the inside. In the entirety of whole wellness in: mind, body, spirit, —it is body where I encounter my biggest challenge to open up about. This post may upset some people who know who I am, follow me on social media, anyone who knows what I look like. I know now I am a physical catch and not to sound egotistical, on the prettier end of the spectrum. I've been graced with good looks from good genes. BUT this means nothing to me. Nor should it you. I haven’t always believed I am beautiful. And a lottt of people are going to read this and roll their eyes about oh another pretty girl complaining about her minoooot flaws. But the truth is. I have them. I struggle with acne, have had Lasik, get milia removed from my face every now and then, got Invisalign a month ago for my 97% already perfect smile, deny my natural curl as optimum beauty, refuse close ups if I have not recently waxed my eyebrows, curse my scoliosis hunch, and am currently researching botox. Flaws I see are on the surface and they also run deep. I one hundred percent blame society and the devastating effects of unhealthy comparison that enters into innocent and unapologetically beautiful children as young as four years old. At nine years old I was carving I hated myself in my furniture. At six I admitted to my mom I hated my looks and wanted to be white like my friends and family. Here comes the raw part. I have abused my body in countless ways to self destruct —from self mutilation, poisonous substances, extremely poor nutrition with bouts of short term depression leading to mild starvation, and resistance to physical activity. I didnt give a f*ck. I hated my body. I hated my skin color and heritage, I’ve hated that I’m a woman, all of it. It was an out of body experience that disconnected me from my physical being. I’ve come to the edge of the end and back. My body was shutting down as the last tangible piece of my wholeness could no longer sustain itself. I didn’t look in the mirror for weeks and when I caught glimpses of myself after washing my hands, I had to turn away before I got sucked into the fact that after 24 years hanging out with me, I did not know those eyes, bones, or skin. This went dark for a moment. And that is the point. I am here to bare all of the process. A process that is not linear. Be with it. Make it evoke feelings we do not necessarily celebrate as a society. Just remember: Good and bad is not real. With that said, there is light. Today, I am a proud owner of my body. Every. Single. Part. I fell in love with myself. I do not claim to be issue free, but I do trust myself and find every “ugly” piece absolutely gorgeous. They say nutrition and exercise is what it takes and folks, that’s no lie. Plus water. Never ending waterfalls of magical water. There are mountains of books that have created a million dollar industry that when boiled down to basics conclude a common solution of nutrition and exercise. The challenge is keeping our word to ourselves. Common sense plus discipline. I will get into more tips for those who haven’t worked out consistently once in their lives, those who have fallen off the wagon, and those who want to switch things up with a next level challenge. In the past year I have been at all stages which is huge and has turned my world upside down in the very best way. I cannot wait to dive further into the light, melt my wings trying with everything I have, falling, and rising again. This body is alive and kicking. With Love, Brittney